Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
