Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
