She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Cover your peen. We're going out.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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