onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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