My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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