It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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