did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
wanna go halves on a baby?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
