1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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