At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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