Just fell off a train. Bad.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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