i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
