Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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