If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
