Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
