Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
