Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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