Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
