I need to stop coming to work sober
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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