my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
