i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
