i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
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I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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