So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
