Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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