Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
