my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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