I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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