Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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