i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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