I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
