The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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