im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
