so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
