please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
