Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just pynch a tree in the face
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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