Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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