I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
