what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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