I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
