Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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