you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
