can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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