he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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