"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
