My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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