hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
