you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
