Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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