this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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