He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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