I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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