booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
