I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
