I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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