I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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