So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
