my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
