Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize