He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
