So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
