You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
