Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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