just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
