Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
