So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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